Meanderings On Death

Hello there. Hope you're feeling well today.

Yesterday I got a call from my mother. It wasn't good news. A family friend in London with Alzheimer's tripped and hit her head and is in hospital. Her condition is worse. So much so that she has forgotten how to use a knife and fork. This is the critical point. When my father had it this is what turned what was a mental condition to a physical one. For he forgot how to eat. Consequently what could be given to him was obviously less (I fed him (he was in a hospital at the time) on chopped tinned food as it would be easier to eat.

He became weaker. And therefore venerable to pneumonia which is what killed him.

Apparently the doctors don't see her surviving by Christmas.

She is actually the second person now who is slowly dying on my timeline. The other is a relative of my wife's. Two people slowly dying at the same time means that you cannot help but think not just of them but (as I've long past the arrogant age of youth when I think I'm invulnerable) your own mortality.

The wife suggested I should go down to London and see her but personally I don't see the point. My father did not know me, his only child, when Alzheimer's hit him so a trip now would be pointless.

I have offered to visit the wife's relative but she's said no. Why? Because I've rarely seen her. Not because we didn't get on (we did) but because of my afternoon/evening shifts at work and my phobia of dogs (she bred them).

So if I suddenly turn up to visit it will be obvious why. It will seem like a procession for the dying. Last chance to see and all of that. Whatever my (genuine) motives it would be upsetting for my wife's relative. I get that.

And you know what? Immediate family aside I think should the time come for me and I find myself dying slowly though with my full mental faculties intact I don't want such a procession for me either. Sort out the paperwork. Read as many unread books. Watch as many unwatched films/TV series. Perhaps watch Game of Thrones or Killing Eve when they've long gone out of fashion and from immediate memory.

Perhaps though I will be what my mother said in hospital last year when she thankfully pulled through an illness last year and I offered to pay for the (very expensive) hospital TV which she declined saying she was "too ill to be bored".

I think though ultimately I want my loved ones to have a settled life when I die. That I become a pleasant and sentimental memory but they go on with their own lives. If I had the power to choose I think that's the one thing I'd truly want before I go to the big sleep.

Oh and be able to watch one full 90 minute game featuring West Ham (winning of course!).

Until the next time.