The Suburban Spy Network

Hello there. Hope you're feeling well today.

Picture the scene. It's a few days ago. Due to a misunderstanding with the wife I've discovered that she's coming home late from work. It's quarter past five in the afternoon. Daughter is hungry.

Now before you start. I was quite happy to cook. Was though waiting for her to come so that we'd eat together. Once I found out that wife was going to be late though then it was up to me to deal with the situation.

The simplest thing to do is to just throw something in the microwave and wait for it to ping. But I'm not a fan of doing that unless we have to go out somewhere soon afterwards or I've come home from the afternoon/evening shift sometime after 10pm. The quickest non pinged meal would have taken about twenty minutes on the oven/hob.

There was but one choice for a warm meal relatively quickly.....the local chippie. Not that far away from where we live.

Which is why I'm in the queue getting ready to order jumbo sausage and chips twice (For those not in the know here's a tip if you want to get out of a fish and chip shop quickly......don't order the fish). Waiting for her order is a woman I know slightly. The sort of person you'd say hello to in the street but the level of intimacy begins and ends there. We first "met" (if that's the right word) after I'd dropped my daughter off when she was at junior school and I would be walking back to the car as she and her two boys were racing in the opposite direction as they always seemed to be late.

Anyway knew she lived in the same area as me but this was one of the few times I'd seen her outside of school. And it had been a while as well, for at first glance she was slimmer than I remembered her last.

After the acknowledgements of each other's prescence was unsure what to say next. Should I mention she'd lost weight? But what if it was as the result of an illness? Should perhaps best go for the tried and trust conversation starter of the weather? Chippie conversation etiquette is not an easy thing to do.

As it happened though she'd a conversation opener of her own.

"So you're selling your house".

The thing is this. How did she know? She doesn't know where I live or even my name and yet she knew that we were selling. I know nothing about her either and yet I've no idea where she lives

I wasn't going to deny it. "Yes" came my response "The wife's homesick for Cardiff".

Of course the reality is a little more complicated but as a summary of the situation it seemed to satisfy her. She was still friendly, as if saying that as the reason we were seeking to move had nothing to do with area it didn't insult her choice of abode.

"Any success?"

On hearing that at this moment interest seemed to have dried up there was not an encouraging response. She and her family too had moved house recently....and it had taken them a year.

I grabbed my order first (being non fish related), said my goodbyes and walked out of the shop.

You know what my first thought was on leaving?

It's a good thing I'm not having an affair.

Until the next time.